I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
