I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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