at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
