the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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