Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
