I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize