i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
