At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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