It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
