All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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