everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
