All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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