Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
