I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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