I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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