I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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