SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
