Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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