remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
