your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
