I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize