I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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