what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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