The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She announced her abortion via fbk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
