i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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