I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she told me i tasted like america
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
