atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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