Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
