He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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