Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
