guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Why is your signature on my underwear?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
