Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
