he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You left your phone here
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