Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize