i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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