my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
