my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't trust your balls anymore.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
there is puke in my bra ... again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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