There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
