Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize