Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
