i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
