You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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