All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
