I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
