she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
