I met the friendliest cop last night
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
