apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize