Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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