Dude my mom stole all your condoms
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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