God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
