I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
