I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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