btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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