did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
