Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
