WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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