You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
