Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
