3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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