I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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