I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
